We each have our own ideal of faith. I have had an incredibly emotional week this past week as I had moments when I just wasn't sure how exactly I was going to keep it together. You see I am a bottler; I bottle the pain and emotion and do everything I can to not allow any of it escape. Life simply isn't wasy, it takes hard work to get through each day and sometimes in my world it is just one moment at a time but this last week was emotional on so many different levels and in so many different ways.
Of course I have been partially open about the fact that my life in Oregon simply fell apart and that was the reason that I moved back to Utah. Ideally so I could put all of the little shattered pieces back together. Every single day is a challenge to do this however there have been some brief and amazing lights in the dark.
Last week I started a second job to help myself with the financial burdens that I have created by living on credit trying to make life happen for myself and my two children. I would do it all over again to have the cherished moments that I have had these past two years with my children all of which are absolutely priceless. My first day was Sunday, which for Chandler and I is "our" day. It is the day each week that Chandler and I get up and go to church; the one day that we walk into the doors of a movie theater and are part of a church family where regardless of the challenges we are facing for those few moments, okay 90 minutes we feel right with the world. Sadly, we couldn't go last week because of my new job. BUT..... the Catalyst Youth Group that Chandler is part of was having a get together that evening. Knowing how important it was to my boy, I hurried from work to pick him up and drop him off.
Okay so I am totally rambling but wait for it... the moment is coming. While I was hanging out in the darkness of my life for several days apparently my attempt of hiding it from my son was an epic fail. After Chandler was done we had the most amazing talk on the way home. Chandler told me that when he arrived that he reached out to one of the pastors at our church and asked to be prayed for. Now if you know my son at all, communication is not his strong suit so this was a shining moment for me, a momentously huge shining moment. He shared with me some of the discussions and then told me that towards the end of the youth service that they asked if there was anyone that needed to be prayed for and my sweet son reached out again... TWICE in one night! As he is sharing this with me tears just rolled down my eyes as I was trying to drive us home. I told him how proud I am of him and his ability to reach out. My sixteen year old son showed me signs of strength that I only wished I had. I explained that often times when I need help the most I really have a difficult time reaching out and asking for help, when those moments of opportunity to have someone else pray for me I always really want to stand however can't force myself to get to my feet and go forward. I explained that I was proud of him because I felt that by asking for help I felt I was showing all of my weaknesses. Now I know and understand that this is not true. I know that needing to reach out is not a sign of weakness and that the ability to do so is a sign of strength.
Today I was blessed to have the day off of work and have the opportunity to take my son to church. During worship today our church provided the opportunity to have those in need go forward to be prayed for. This is the exact situation that I was so proud of Chandler for standing up and going forward last week and in my heart I knew that it was my turn and that by staying seated as I have in the past I was missing the great opportunity of prayer. So today - I had a breakthrough moment - today I stood up and walked forward. There was a line and the song of prayer was coming to an end, part of me just wanted to run back to my seat and not be the last one standing asking for prayer... but then I thought of Chandler, of his strength and courage and knew that prayer was what I needed most today. I was blessed to have Pastor Mooney and his wife pray for me. It was difficult to tell them that I needed prayer for my health, that I would have the strength to work and provide. I also asked that they pray for our finances. While I am now working two jobs I still am struggling to provide a HOME for my son and I. As they prayed for me tears just ran down my face but the heaviness on my heart was lifted. Today, I am grateful that I had the strength to ask for prayer.
Last week I applied to rent a townhouse for Chandler and I. It is important to me not to move him from school to school and to stay in the boundaries of American Fork High School. While doing this I have found that the rent in this area really stretches me right to my financial limits but I have to believe that my getting second job at Gordmans will soften this financial blow. After submitting the application on Monday I waited until Thursday to see if I was approved. When I called the property manager said that she hadn't had the opportunity to run credit but had been thinking of my son and I all week. She said that she couldn't give me a specific move in date but said that we could have the townhouse! While I am an optimist I also am a realist and will believe it when I sign a lease and receive the keys to move in. We had some additional help that had been offered with our deposit that fell through. Honestly, rent of $975 + the deposit of $975 is totally going to kill me financially but I really believe that this had been God's way of answering our prayers. As challenging as it may be financially it will be worth it to be under one roof with my son.
Chandler moved back to Utah the second week of June and has been staying with my parents since and I relocated to Utah July 27th. Four and a half months is TOO long! I am so grateful for my parent's support in helping me take care of my amazing kiddo, I love the talks Chan and I have when I pick him up and drop him to school, and when I take him back at night...
I continue to pray for my health and our finances as a family. Each day is a struggle but it is worth it! I just got off the phone with Alexys in Oregon and found out that I had $108 credit with Alaska Airlines that I didn't know I had!! See God is providing!!! In some of the most unexpected ways possible! My baby girl will be here is 53 days!!! As a family we will all be under one roof for her 18t birthday in 54 days! God is Good! He always provides. Everything happens for a reason and I have to remember God's got this! He knows my struggles and pain and He provides in the moments I need it most.
I end my oversharing blog post with this - Please pray for me this week. Please pray that everything with this rental will work out in the ways it needs to, that I will be able to turn on the utilities, find a way to move everything from the storage to the rental and all will work out well. Thanks in advance for your prayers.
God Bless ~