Changes

Changes....

Change is always challenging for anyone; everyone deals with it in different ways. I like to view change as a way to learn and grow from life experiences. This time though... change has been rough.

Sometimes you have to fall to be able to brush yourself off and get back up. I really feel like I just keep on falling and getting back up and doing the same old things over and over again. Do you know what that means? I am INSANE! LOL Doing the same thing over and over again expecting a different result. Yep, I am insane. Totally insane about my children!

It's been a rough couple of years but with the challenges I have had so much good over the past few years too. I was born and raised right here in Utah and really thought that I would never leave home. In 2011 I  challenged myself and my family to do exactly that. It was so rough being so far away from home but had I not gone I would have never met the amazing people that I did and I would have never had the experiences that I have had and they are all priceless. I had the opportunity to be a stay at home mom and attend all of my children's school functions. I had a chance to simply be a mom, to focus on myself and my health. The volunteering opportunities, soccer and football game and practices I was able to watch. All of the cheering, tumbling and trips to the doctor, ER and chiropractor started. My children really had the opportunities to think outside of the box and experience new people, new cultures, new friends. With all of the good and the amazing things we experiences we also had our challenges. We left our life in Arizona to come back home to Utah as I was going through a divorce and discovering a new way of life.

We had our very eight or nine months in Utah and decided to go off to Oregon for another chance.... another life.... more experiences. My children have always been my priority but I've always struggled to juggle my relationship and my children. When we moved to Oregon the decision I made was to always put my children before myself. My new goal in life was to not waste another precious minute of my children's childhood's on me and for this.... I am so grateful. I made my children my world, now this wasn't the best for my personal or social life but it didn't matter, my children were happy, they were chasing their dreams and goals, we were traveling everywhere together. I realized that I had spent so many years saying "I'm going to travel when my kids grow up" when I finally realized that I was missing out on so much waiting for my children to grow up! We seized the moments that we had. Cheer competitions became out world because that was my daughter's dream and my son simply wanted to support his sister and see his mom happy. Oregon became our home and cheer became our family. If only we could live in our dreams.

Oregon too came with it's own set of challenges for our family. Cheer, travel and life simply became expensive and unfortunately not all of my career dreams were coming true. I gave up an amazing job for an equally amazing opportunity which of course a few months later ended and our perfect little life became compromised. Honestly, I feel like a failure. I feel that I let my children down. But I simply wasn't able to financially support them as I once did and career options just weren't happening like I needed them to. After two years of my dad trying to talk us into moving back, finally I said great, how soon can you help me get back? Now don't think I didn't go down without a fight. I fell and got back up again, tried several temp jobs, applied to every job that I possibly could and sold everything of value to try to keep my family in Oregon, to keep my family together. It wasn't an easy fight and there were a whole hell of a lot of tears, heartache, difficult decisions and bumps in the road. But ultimately I knew that I had to do what was best for my children. No mother should have to go through the pain of having to make gut wrenching decisions on which child to choose, which life to choose, which child's dreams come true and who's get shattered. My families lives were simply turned upside-down.

I really truly have two of the most amazing, intelligent, gifted, loving children in the world. They both go out of their way to help others before taking care of themselves. (I totally don't know where they get that from!) Each of my children had totally different goals, hopes and dreams; both wanted to be in different states for different reasons all while my entire world figuratively and financially was falling apart. My youngest child felt it was really important to go back home, he wanted to be in Utah, he wanted to be surrounded by family, he wanted male role-models, he wanted to go to the only church he has ever had a connection with and attend youth groups with like minded kids. Whereas my daughter was starting her senior year, cheering, working, planning her future in Oregon. Here I was stuck in the middle of these two amazing kids and forced to make decisions and change.

Still today two months after moving back to Utah I'm struggling daily to pick myself up off of the ground. Calling, texting, snap chatting, my daughter as often as I can and simply trying to stay relevant in her busy schedule and life while driving in circles and being crowded on the weekends trying to spend time in my son's life. Often I find myself questioning how in the hell did I get here?

Some say change is good. Right now, all I can say is change hurts. 

Options

Have you ever just been so incredibly emotional that everything seems to intensify that emotion regardless of what it is? That would be me today. I suddenly feel so overwhelmed with everything that simple small things are seeming SOOO BIG!

Work is still pretty great. At times it can be extremely overwhelming just because there is so much to learn. I am still not smoking!!! Even though days like today I really want to.

Kids are doing pretty good. Chandler struggles not having family around like Alexys does and I struggle to find an in between. I notably have stretched myself a little too thin even for me. Chandler goes to his grandparent's home about once a month and gets a 30 minute phone conversation with his bio dad. Sometimes I wish he had more, I wish there was more that I could give him and at times feel like I am failing him. It's rough. Alexys on the other hand is settling in every other weekend with her bio dad and family. I am really grateful that she has a really great step-mom who really tries to involve her in every aspect of their lives. I think that is important as she needs all of the love and support she can get.


And me, well besides the fact that I truly am overwhelmed with school and trying to find a balance am well... overwhelmed and unbalanced. It sometimes feels like I take two steps forward and five steps backwards. This seems to have been the theme lately. I get one dad there for the kids and then the other not, find a great guy to be there for both then have him bail. Sometimes I wonder if I will see the blessings in disguise over some of the turmoil and heartache and other days I really just want to give up. Thankfully I have two amazing children so I have at least five more years to hold it together for them.

So I have heard a lot of the ...you are so strong, yaddy, yady yaddah ... BS I am so not strong. What I am is great at putting a smile on my face and faking it through a bunch of public crap. I wait till I am home... and alone... to find an extra spot to bottle just a little more until I have one of these days....
Then I get online and find stories of others, of women and families who have it so much worse than me and then I pray. I pray that God will soften my heart so I am not angry with those who have the life I once had and not allow others to see my weakness. I read positive and uplifting posts and quotes and try to share them, to try to lift someone else's spirit that day and to push my anger and sadness away. 

I am sick of being an option! I am sick of my children being an option. I am not a rag doll that you can pick up, text, or call because it is so seemingly convenient. With that said, I will not change who I am either. I love, help and care to my own fault. Sometimes so much that when I am in a position that I need that same love, care and help I dished out... often there is no one there to return the favor. That doesn't mean that I suck or that I am a bad friend. It means YOU ARE! I have friends and family I would do anything for, I would forgive for the unforgivable, I would give them my last dollar, the shirt off my back and the food from my children's mouths but I couldn't say that many of them would return the favor. Guess that is the hand I was dealt or they all don't know me at all. Maybe a little bit of both.

Okay so this post is simply going bad. So here I am. Here is the vulnerable me. I totally wanted to delete this and not post it at all but decided that it would be wrong. It would defeat the purpose of me blogging, of me being me.

So here I post. Please, don't flood my inbox or phone because you suddenly give a crap! Instead, pray that God will soften your heart. Try not to treat people as if they were your second option. We all have a choice... thank God for free will. Everything Happens For A Reason. Still standing by that. Today, I am not sure of all of the reasons, or the lessons, I know that everything I have been through has made me who I am... and today, I am okay with it being, just that.

God Bless.