Tuesday, October 13, 2015


Had to post and share this. I found it today on my cousin Patti's Facebook and felt the need to share it. Now yes, I could have hit that wonderful "share" button but then I would have wanted to give my own two cents and decided what better place to do that than here!

Seriously - I am so over the drama, the ups and downs, highs and lows. It has been a rough year... maybe it's been a rough couple of years. The point is that I have been here before. I have hit rock bottom and built myself, my children and our lives back up from the ashes that they were. Sometimes I fall, get back up, walk into a wall and repeat.... but the point is that I always get back up!

Not spending my daughter's senior year of high school with her absolutely breaks my heart. I feel like I am missing out on all of the important milestones that are mine to share. Often I hear about what is going on in her life on Facebook rather than from her and it hurts, but it hurts because I feel like I am missing out on one of the most important years of her life. This is the year that she gets to struggle and excel, where she gets to dip her toes into being an adult and making decision on where she really wants to go to college, where she wants to work when she grows up, where and who she will be with for life after high school. I am blessed that when we moved to Oregon her and her boyfriend of 2 years connected and have been together sense. Which leads me to share these photos.
Just over a week ago they shared their two year anniversary and I have to say hands down that my daughter has the most amazing, kind and thoughtful man by her side. I can't count how many times we have had car troubles and Jordan and his dad are always there to rescue. The countless family adventures they have shared with Chandler and I and with Jordan's family too. The lunches he's taken her to school or the dinners he drops by the gym because her work, school, cheer schedule can be tight and hectic. The moments when she is sick and he does something cute to brighten her day. On their anniversary he gave her the princess ring she has been begging for, just because and he gave her a promise ring engraved with both of their names. I am grateful I was there to see the start of their cute relationship, long talks, fights and all as every single moment is a treasured moment to me that my daughter opened up and shared the stresses, ups and downs of her own life, that piece that I didn't have to be a part of but she chose to invite me in and share. As hard as this year is for me I am grateful for the relationship that she and I built over the past few years and the strength and encouragements that we shared. These moments to me are all priceless which is why I struggle and at times simply am hurt and feeling left out. Reality is she's grown up and moved on and made choices I hoped I was there for and she's done it without me. I am so incredibly proud of the young woman that she has become, I am so blessed.

So with that, I have to remember to enjoy the moments I am let in but also need to remember that I am also blessed to have totally different moments with my son. Lucky kid almost gets me all to himself. I say almost because we don't yet have our own place and well don't get to stay under the same roof at night but I am blessed to have the opportunity to go and pick him up every morning, to have absolutely random chats with him that sometimes just come out of the middle of no where. I am been working on teaching him to drive and on weekends we either go on hikes or cuddle and watch movies.
Seriously, how luck am I to have this amazing kid? This past week my health wasn't well and he was always there to pick me up and remind me that it's going to get better. He insisted on going with to my doctors and is REALLY GREAT at taking care of his mom. Now is his time to shine, now life is all about him; his wants, dreams and goals. I am so proud of how well he has adjusted to being back in Utah, a new high school, crazy living situations, and he always has a smile. Every single Sunday he's up and ready for church, he's as involved (as much as out schedule allows) in an amazing youth group and is so committed to helping others and following a path that he finds pleasing. Sunday's after church we chat on and on about our services and what we took from them, we share Bible verses and have some of the most meaningful conversations on our drives home, these moments too are priceless.  I really am the luckiest mom ever.

We've fallen down and some days I am not sure how we are going to get back up or what we are going to do or really where our future is but I know that everything happens for a reason and well maybe we had to fall to build up a new and different life designed for the two of us. Often I have to remind myself that I can only have the life of the attitude I chose... and honestly I have to chose to be positive, to surround myself with positive people and pray for a positive outcome.

Life is far to short to be unhappy, I simply pray for a life of positively, love, and laughter, sure I am going to have my moments, I'll have a rough day but what matter is what I do with it! This is my life and I want to live it the best way possible. :)

On that note, Chandler and I are excited to be looking for a new place. Come hell or high water or finances to be we've talked about it, prayed about it and we are determined that over the next 2-3 weeks if there is a will there is a way. We are going to be under one roof and a family everyday, we are going to of course find a place that accommodates Chandler's high school boundaries, move, get settled and work on our list of important things to accomplish to make us happy. What better way to live life? I'm not doing any of this life or adult stuff perfectly but last time I checked I must have and be doing something right cause I have some pretty awesome kids!

Night All


Saturday, October 3, 2015



Change is always challenging for anyone; everyone deals with it in different ways. I like to view change as a way to learn and grow from life experiences. This time though... change has been rough.

Sometimes you have to fall to be able to brush yourself off and get back up. I really feel like I just keep on falling and getting back up and doing the same old things over and over again. Do you know what that means? I am INSANE! LOL Doing the same thing over and over again expecting a different result. Yep, I am insane. Totally insane about my children!

It's been a rough couple of years but with the challenges I have had so much good over the past few years too. I was born and raised right here in Utah and really thought that I would never leave home. In 2011 I  challenged myself and my family to do exactly that. It was so rough being so far away from home but had I not gone I would have never met the amazing people that I did and I would have never had the experiences that I have had and they are all priceless. I had the opportunity to be a stay at home mom and attend all of my children's school functions. I had a chance to simply be a mom, to focus on myself and my health. The volunteering opportunities, soccer and football game and practices I was able to watch. All of the cheering, tumbling and trips to the doctor, ER and chiropractor started. My children really had the opportunities to think outside of the box and experience new people, new cultures, new friends. With all of the good and the amazing things we experiences we also had our challenges. We left our life in Arizona to come back home to Utah as I was going through a divorce and discovering a new way of life.

We had our very eight or nine months in Utah and decided to go off to Oregon for another chance.... another life.... more experiences. My children have always been my priority but I've always struggled to juggle my relationship and my children. When we moved to Oregon the decision I made was to always put my children before myself. My new goal in life was to not waste another precious minute of my children's childhood's on me and for this.... I am so grateful. I made my children my world, now this wasn't the best for my personal or social life but it didn't matter, my children were happy, they were chasing their dreams and goals, we were traveling everywhere together. I realized that I had spent so many years saying "I'm going to travel when my kids grow up" when I finally realized that I was missing out on so much waiting for my children to grow up! We seized the moments that we had. Cheer competitions became out world because that was my daughter's dream and my son simply wanted to support his sister and see his mom happy. Oregon became our home and cheer became our family. If only we could live in our dreams.

Oregon too came with it's own set of challenges for our family. Cheer, travel and life simply became expensive and unfortunately not all of my career dreams were coming true. I gave up an amazing job for an equally amazing opportunity which of course a few months later ended and our perfect little life became compromised. Honestly, I feel like a failure. I feel that I let my children down. But I simply wasn't able to financially support them as I once did and career options just weren't happening like I needed them to. After two years of my dad trying to talk us into moving back, finally I said great, how soon can you help me get back? Now don't think I didn't go down without a fight. I fell and got back up again, tried several temp jobs, applied to every job that I possibly could and sold everything of value to try to keep my family in Oregon, to keep my family together. It wasn't an easy fight and there were a whole hell of a lot of tears, heartache, difficult decisions and bumps in the road. But ultimately I knew that I had to do what was best for my children. No mother should have to go through the pain of having to make gut wrenching decisions on which child to choose, which life to choose, which child's dreams come true and who's get shattered. My families lives were simply turned upside-down.

I really truly have two of the most amazing, intelligent, gifted, loving children in the world. They both go out of their way to help others before taking care of themselves. (I totally don't know where they get that from!) Each of my children had totally different goals, hopes and dreams; both wanted to be in different states for different reasons all while my entire world figuratively and financially was falling apart. My youngest child felt it was really important to go back home, he wanted to be in Utah, he wanted to be surrounded by family, he wanted male role-models, he wanted to go to the only church he has ever had a connection with and attend youth groups with like minded kids. Whereas my daughter was starting her senior year, cheering, working, planning her future in Oregon. Here I was stuck in the middle of these two amazing kids and forced to make decisions and change.

Still today two months after moving back to Utah I'm struggling daily to pick myself up off of the ground. Calling, texting, snap chatting, my daughter as often as I can and simply trying to stay relevant in her busy schedule and life while driving in circles and being crowded on the weekends trying to spend time in my son's life. Often I find myself questioning how in the hell did I get here?

Some say change is good. Right now, all I can say is change hurts.