Have you ever just been so incredibly emotional that everything seems to intensify that emotion regardless of what it is? That would be me today. I suddenly feel so overwhelmed with everything that simple small things are seeming SOOO BIG!
Work is still pretty great. At times it can be extremely overwhelming just because there is so much to learn. I am still not smoking!!! Even though days like today I really want to.
Kids are doing pretty good. Chandler struggles not having family around like Alexys does and I struggle to find an in between. I notably have stretched myself a little too thin even for me. Chandler goes to his grandparent's home about once a month and gets a 30 minute phone conversation with his bio dad. Sometimes I wish he had more, I wish there was more that I could give him and at times feel like I am failing him. It's rough. Alexys on the other hand is settling in every other weekend with her bio dad and family. I am really grateful that she has a really great step-mom who really tries to involve her in every aspect of their lives. I think that is important as she needs all of the love and support she can get.
And me, well besides the fact that I truly am overwhelmed with school and trying to find a balance am well... overwhelmed and unbalanced. It sometimes feels like I take two steps forward and five steps backwards. This seems to have been the theme lately. I get one dad there for the kids and then the other not, find a great guy to be there for both then have him bail. Sometimes I wonder if I will see the blessings in disguise over some of the turmoil and heartache and other days I really just want to give up. Thankfully I have two amazing children so I have at least five more years to hold it together for them.
So I have heard a lot of the ...you are so strong, yaddy, yady yaddah ... BS I am so not strong. What I am is great at putting a smile on my face and faking it through a bunch of public crap. I wait till I am home... and alone... to find an extra spot to bottle just a little more until I have one of these days....
Then I get online and find stories of others, of women and families who have it so much worse than me and then I pray. I pray that God will soften my heart so I am not angry with those who have the life I once had and not allow others to see my weakness. I read positive and uplifting posts and quotes and try to share them, to try to lift someone else's spirit that day and to push my anger and sadness away.
I am sick of being an option! I am sick of my children being an option. I am not a rag doll that you can pick up, text, or call because it is so seemingly convenient. With that said, I will not change who I am either. I love, help and care to my own fault. Sometimes so much that when I am in a position that I need that same love, care and help I dished out... often there is no one there to return the favor. That doesn't mean that I suck or that I am a bad friend. It means YOU ARE! I have friends and family I would do anything for, I would forgive for the unforgivable, I would give them my last dollar, the shirt off my back and the food from my children's mouths but I couldn't say that many of them would return the favor. Guess that is the hand I was dealt or they all don't know me at all. Maybe a little bit of both.
Okay so this post is simply going bad. So here I am. Here is the vulnerable me. I totally wanted to delete this and not post it at all but decided that it would be wrong. It would defeat the purpose of me blogging, of me being me.
So here I post. Please, don't flood my inbox or phone because you suddenly give a crap! Instead, pray that God will soften your heart. Try not to treat people as if they were your second option. We all have a choice... thank God for free will. Everything Happens For A Reason. Still standing by that. Today, I am not sure of all of the reasons, or the lessons, I know that everything I have been through has made me who I am... and today, I am okay with it being, just that.