Saturday, January 26, 2013

Hard Days

It's been one of those weeks. The last few days have been ever so emotional.

Everyone said that when our divorce was over it would be easier.... 
I am sure at some point it may get easier but I wouldn't say that getting those final papers made anything easier for me. After I received the email with the attached papers, I sat there on my couch simply shocked. I then attempted to find things to do around the house, sat down and tried to read my assignments... I couldn't concentrate. 

The reality is that I don't feel better at all. I feel lost and alone. After four months of separation you would think I would be used to having the whole bed to myself, but I'm not. Attending gatherings with friends or church, I feel like someone is missing. There is a hole, a great big hole with out him there. 

The most emotional reality this week for me was: I am no longer someone's wife. I no longer have a husband. So many people say that it is just a piece of paper but it's not, it is so much more. I feel like I lost a piece of myself, I lost my title of Mrs and Wife. To some this may be petty but to me just like being a mother, I felt like I worked hard to be a good wife too. Single - that is such a big, ugly word. It means I am starting all over - AGAIN! Now that the divorce is over, it is not easier, life is not better. We miss him. We miss our lives.

With that said, yesterday we also sold our Arizona house. So bitter sweet. It was what we needed to do but it makes me sad that we no longer have that home. A house we struggled to make into a home because it was so different to us, a house that we eventually become to love as much as the state that we became to love and call home. 

Lots of change - I have to remember that at times change is good - Change allows us the opportunity to learn and grow from our past and redefine our futures. I am sure we have many more hard days ahead of us.  I think I will end on that note.