Faith

FAITH is like the wind, 

You can't see it

But you know it is there. 

I have been questioned about my faith many of times. I am questioned as to why I give God so much credit for the great things in my life, finances, children, blessings, etc.  So first to get things out of the way, financially I have to thank Paul, because of the long hours he puts in with few days off ever I have been able to meet my financial obligations. Because of his dedication to his career we were able to move to Arizona, purchase and sell a home which has enabled me to meet my monthly expenses so far.

Putting that aside, I believe that through Faith I can do anything. I am a Christian and I believe in God. I believe that through the power of prayer great things happen. I also believe that I am never alone; I believe that God has his arms wrapped around me all the time, he is all knowing and always there for me. My faith in God and prayer are the intangible things that have gotten me through the last few months. I have seen the power of prayer work in my life, I have seen when I give it to God and let his will be done that my life seems to fall into place and life happens as he has it planned out for me. 

With all of that said, I believe that everything happens for a reason. Life works out the way it is meant to be. I reflect on my past and realize that I have been the happiest and noticeably so when I allow God and faith to lead my life. I have overcome what seemed to be some of the most impossible situations and yes I give that credit to God for watching over me and leading me in the right directions in life, for showing me the greatness this life has to offer. 

For the last couple of months I have struggled trying to settle in back here in Utah, trying to help the kids adjust to a new and different way of life. It has been a very humbling experience. After two months of searching for a new career I was blessed with many interviews over the last couple of weeks and have accepted a new position as a Benefit Coordinator. I have dealt with Medicaid in the past and many personal health insurance companies but not at this level. I am excited for this new adventure and am excited for the many challenges I already for see for myself in this new career but for me what is most exciting is knowing that through faith and hard work I will be able to overcome obstacles and challenges and I will look back and giggle at the nervousness I have now. 

 

Today I reflect on how blessed my life has been and is going to be. I am grateful for new opportunities. I am also grateful for the humbling experiences I have had and am sure I will have more of in the future. Through each challenge I face I remember that each struggle or challenge from my past has created the person I am and chose to be now. One challenge that is a hard pill to swallow is the reality that I will not be as available for my children. I am really going to miss being a stay at home mom and I am sure my children will miss it to. Working full time and being a full time student and single mother are going to be major challenges, I am sure we as a family will struggle however I have faith that it will all work out and I have faith that when I am not at my children's side that God will be and knowing that gives me great comfort. 

Okay, so here's another super religious rambling post. Just love me and know that when I blog I blog from the heart and I blog about those things that way heaviest on my mind and heart. I am grateful for amazing children, great friends, family, a place to call home, and a new career. I am blessed to have such great people in my life; past, present and future. Night. 

Weekend Update/Friends

I saw this on Facebook yesterday and really felt that I had to share it. But I didn't just want to hit that lovely share button so I decided I would blog with the saying instead. I really feel that sometimes you hear, see or experience what you need to in the time that you need to most. This weekend was another one of those weekends where God just really spoke to me through others.

This weekend we were blessed to be able to go and watch a friend be baptized at church and then later invited to share an afternoon with the same family. This weekend was one of the first that felt like an every day normal weekend. I wasn't consumed with loneliness or anger and was able to truly enjoy a weekend with my children. Friday night we had a "Cheer Movie Marathon" and watch all four of the Bring It On movies. So good! Saturday we woke up and just had family time, and later enjoyed the company of great friends.

Seeing the above photo saying really reminded me that family is the close friends you really share life with. The people who call with concern when they haven't heard from you, show up when you are having a bad day, offer to help without even having to be asked. They are the people who know who you really are, the ones you don't have to put the "life is good" mask on for and the ones who see through the fake smile you put on your face or in the tone of your voice. I have come to greatly appreciate the importance of the friends of mine that I consider to be my family. You know who you are and thank you for being there for me in some of my darkest days, for listening to me go on and on and on and on, for offering advice and for telling me when I am being absolutely unreasonable.

Parenting My Children

Parenting has got to hands down be one of the hardest things to do.

I truly love my children with all of my heart and am extremely overprotective of both of them. No mother wants to see their child with heartache, heartbreak, or hurt feelings. And if you are like me.... when you do see your child in this position you totally want to verbally attack the person or persons that have hurt them or are involved. I have learned to ask, "Do you want me to talk to them?" Because I want my children to know that I am there to protect them at the same time I want them to be able to fight their own battles too. Neither is easy to do. I love that my kids can come to me when things are bothering them, for advice and when their feelings are hurt. 

Everyday I feel that I wake up and live my life attempting to model the behaviors I would like my children to emulate; I am NOT perfect - thank goodness! I have my moments of: Do as I say and not what I do. We teach our children the golden rules like treat adults with respect, treat others as you would like to be treated, kill them with kindness and so on and then they become teenagers and can see the world in a different realm altogether. That is when they feel like they are always right and life is still so not fair. I want my children to become happy, healthy, productive young people; I want them to make good choices, stand up for themselves and for what they know is right, I want them to know that their feelings matter and that NO One has the right to tear them down or make them feel less than.





One of the hardest parts of parenting for me is that when they hurt I hurt too. As much as I try to help stear both of them into directions and away from people who are, or have hurt them I have to respect their feelings and simply stand back and wait until it's time to help pick up the pieces and wipe their tears again. But I hate that they have to experience that hurt. I wish I could protect them from the negativity in people, in their lives and in this world but I can't shield them from it all, no matter how hard I try. That hurts.

I believe that no one is perfect.  I believe in second chances. I believe that I have raised my children to understand both of these beliefs. I try to see the good in all things and all people and I try to be an uplifting positive person.  BUT... of course there had to be a but in there... I am so tired of people in my children's lives thinking it is okay to hurt them, to hurt their feelings, to make them feel less than or unimportant. Everyday we wake up with a choice in how our day will go, who we interact with, how we will treat others and what will affect our lives. I just wish those who claim that they want to be there for my children or be a part of their lives would think about those things, think before making empty promises or plans. 

Okay, that was enough rambling and venting... I don't know that any of it even made me feel better. I am just tired of looking like the bad guy when I am trying so hard to do what is best for them. I love them so much and it just hurts so bad when they are hurting.

FUTURE POST TO LOOK FORWARD TO: Alexys getting her permit!

Fun Weekend

It amazes me how quickly time flies by. It really seems like just yesterday the kids were starting preschool and kindergarten and now they are in seventh and ninth grade. I am so bless to have two wonderful and amazing children, their quirks brighten my days.

Saturday, Chandler decided he wanted to stay home and play XBox with his Arizona friends online while Alexys and I went to a craft boutique; poor kiddo doesn't like to do the girly things with his mom and sister. So Alexys and I went to Heartfelt Wall Hangings in West Jordan; we lucked out and there was enough space in the classroom that we were both able to pick out a craft project and each of us were able to do the cute free project. We had lots of fun picking out the colors we would paint our blocks and deciding which ribbon to add and how much glitter was enough or borderline too much. Really it was great! Of course I had a highlight moment - the gals that were coming in to do a project as we were leaving were talking and Alexys made a "MOM" comment and one gal looked over and said "She isn't your daughter? You look way too young to have a daughter her age." I just smiled and said, yep she sure is mine, she's fifteen and yes I am too young to have a teenage daughter. Totally made my day, the group of gals went on how they thought we were friends or sisters, so of course I had a "I'm feeling young" moment.

Alexys' Be Mine Craft

Her Cute Heart Project with a HUGE Bow!

Anyhow we finished off our afternoon by picking up her friend Kiana for a sleepover. Since went home and were all bored out of our minds we decided to do a family Walmart trip. Most people who know Alexys also know that it doesn't matter how big or small the shopping cart is or how tall Alexys is she is going to totally fit into that cart and have me push her around. (I just look at it as an extra weight to the cart I am pushing around helps with exercise, right? LOL) Anyhow here is a picture of Alexys and Kiana both fitting into the cart. - Oh and Chandler went with but took off and left us girls to go look at the magazines and games.Lil Booger!

After our Walmart adventure, the girls took off to do facials and paint nails while Chandler and I had some Mom and Son time watching movies together. We totally both fell asleep on the couch - ICK! But it was a great time.

Sunday we took Kiana home and on our way back home since we live in the boonies I decided it was time to teach Alexys to drive "Red" which is our name for the Ford. Now, Alexys went driving three or four times with me in Arizona but we went in the Chevy which was diesel and bigger and well it just didn't have as much pick up and go - and we drove around the dry school parking lot when no one was there. She has always been super responsible and cautious when it comes to driving, it actually is kind of cute how she gets nervous and freaks out just a little big. Anyhow, so we were about two miles from our house when I pulled off the road and told her it was her turn to drive. She was totally nervous because she had never driven the Ford or on wet roads, or half circles or roundabouts, LOL. But she has really been studying for her permit and constantly reminds me when I am making an illegal traffic violation, so I decided it was time to give her a try. She did AMAZING, I am so proud of her! She drove slightly under the 35 mph speed limit, was perfect around the roundabout, hugged the right side of the road but all in all did really well. I totally had to tease her about her left hand turns though.... both times she nearly stopped in the middle of the road to make her left hand turn but in her defense she had never really driven with other cars on the road so making a left with a car sitting there watching on wet road, she did great! Scary to think she will be driving by the end of the year. Growing up so fast.

The rest of our Sunday was peaceful and quiet. We all were good and completed our weekend homework assignments (Alexys had a research paper and I had several assignments I postponed for fun) then treated ourselves to watching a couple of family movies. I love Sunday afternoons when we all just spend time hanging out together, no arguing for fighting, just good old fashion bonding time. Bliss.

This morning, I was sad our weekend was over.... I love the quality bonding time with the kids, I love window shopping at Walmart pushing the girls around, dancing and having fun. I really do love being a mom, my children are the two most amazing blessings ever. I am so grateful that I get to watch them learn and grow and I can totally admit that even they are able to teach me a thing or two.

Simply Blessed

Hard Days

It's been one of those weeks. The last few days have been ever so emotional.

Everyone said that when our divorce was over it would be easier.... 
I am sure at some point it may get easier but I wouldn't say that getting those final papers made anything easier for me. After I received the email with the attached papers, I sat there on my couch simply shocked. I then attempted to find things to do around the house, sat down and tried to read my assignments... I couldn't concentrate. 

The reality is that I don't feel better at all. I feel lost and alone. After four months of separation you would think I would be used to having the whole bed to myself, but I'm not. Attending gatherings with friends or church, I feel like someone is missing. There is a hole, a great big hole with out him there. 

The most emotional reality this week for me was: I am no longer someone's wife. I no longer have a husband. So many people say that it is just a piece of paper but it's not, it is so much more. I feel like I lost a piece of myself, I lost my title of Mrs and Wife. To some this may be petty but to me just like being a mother, I felt like I worked hard to be a good wife too. Single - that is such a big, ugly word. It means I am starting all over - AGAIN! Now that the divorce is over, it is not easier, life is not better. We miss him. We miss our lives.

With that said, yesterday we also sold our Arizona house. So bitter sweet. It was what we needed to do but it makes me sad that we no longer have that home. A house we struggled to make into a home because it was so different to us, a house that we eventually become to love as much as the state that we became to love and call home. 

Lots of change - I have to remember that at times change is good - Change allows us the opportunity to learn and grow from our past and redefine our futures. I am sure we have many more hard days ahead of us.  I think I will end on that note.

Amazing Day

Today I had the most amazing day with the kids. We went to Bella's Birthday party; I totally rocked bowling with lots of gutter balls. 

We finished our day with a retirement party. My friend Claire's husband David Santiago retired from the military after 20 years of service in the Marines and Army. 

Claire planned an amazing retirement party with amazing food, entertainment and dancing. It was really great to be able to simply enjoy the company of great friends, Thanks Denise and Johnny for keeping me company. I do have to say as I saw all of the couples dancing together or father's dancing with their daughter's it did really make me miss my married life. It's hard when you feel like someone is missing. With that said, I do have to say this is the first time in months that I have seen both of my children absolutely carefree and happy. Alexys and Chandler were both amazing on the dance floor, Alexys helped with all of the younger girls while Chandler was having a blast showing off his moves and making sure the younger girls always had someone out there on the dance floor with them. 

 Chandler busting a move.

 Alexys dancing with the younger girls.

A bunch of the kids dancing.

Evenings like this make me a proud and happy mother. David thank you for your 20 years of service. Claire thank you for your friendship and for supporting your husband in protecting our nation. I am so blessed to have such amazing friends and even more amazing children. 

~Everything So Happens For A Reason~

Interview

Yesterday I had an interview, it was kind of off the wall - so I totally had to share. But because I don't want to rag on a specific company I will call it Company X. 

So I had an interview at Company X and was kind of excited because the job location was super close to home. When I arrived and walked in the door the odor was horrible; come to find out they deal with waste. I walk in and introduce myself to be met with a cat. For those of you who don't know already, I am totally highly allergic to cats! I completed the paperwork and basic math skills test as requested and start interviewing. The "Lady" at Company X started out with no cell phones, EVER, inside the office. It's a simply rule, no biggie right? Then she proceeded to tell me that with the minimal which is about $5 an hour less than what I was last making that they also only have 10 employees and that there is no time off, no health insurance options, actually no benefits, ever. Because the person would be the only person in the office that it would also be unacceptable to take time off for children's school activities or doctor appointments as needed. Least to say, what she was saying is that she really needs to hire someone who has no need for benefits, will run a business for the owner for almost free, that has no children and will happily live in the rancid office with a couple of cats. Towards the end of the interview "Lady" asked me if I was okay, I explained I was fine however she said I looked upset or like I was going to cry. Finally I realized that since the cats were hanging around the office and walking all over the desk near me that my eyes had begun to puff and were swollen, making it appear that I was about to cry. I thanked her for her concern and explained that I really was just fine but super allergic to the cats, her response was oh, well if you can accept the $5 an hour less in pay and work with the cats in the office to let her know. 

Least to say, I will not be working for Company X. LOL It was a really good opportunity to practice my interviewing skills though. Everything happens for a reason - I received several emails and a couple of phone calls to line up interviews for next week. I am excited to see what the future holds for me. Kids, school and finding work..... it's great finding our new normal. 

Happy Friday - Have a great weekend.